My wife has been telling me for the past few weeks that we should apply to be on the next Amazing Race. I’m not sure if you have ever watched the show, but people who have some sort of relationship team up in pairs and go across the world in this race to win one million dollars. Along the way, the players on each team must work together on tasks to gain the next clue and to see where they are going. If you are the last team to get to the checkpoint for the clue, you are sent packing.
When my wife told me she wanted us to apply to be on the show, I figured she must be angling for a divorce. I asked her if she was unhappy with our marriage, or if I did something wrong to upset her. She said no, just that she thought it would be “good” for us and it would be “fun”. Now, I suffer from a disorder that has been labeled by my doctor, who is renowned for repairing horizontal butt crack birth defects on children, as “Travel Daze”. Basically on travel days, I come down with a condition that overtakes my body and brain, where I become irrational, irritable, feverish, stressed, flushed and paranoid that all my travel related activities are going to go terribly wrong. Packing a car? Pure stress. Overstuffed suitcases, two dogs (one 100 lbs), dog supplies, people supplies and my wife’s general lack of interest in planning for a trip. Flying on a plane? Do we take mass transportation, fight traffic, do we park at the airport lot or a satellite lot, what time do we leave, how much time in advance do we need to get there, did we check in, are all our liquids in appropriate bags, did I accidentally forget my gun stuffed in the back of my belt loop? Pure irritation and paranoia.
Basically, I told my wife, no way in hell are we ever going on The Amazing Race, because there are only three likely outcomes: 1. We will divorce, 2. I will die of a heart attack, or 3. America will think I’m the biggest jackass and send me death threats for outrageous meltdowns. Actually all three are probable.
So imagine my surprise when my wife and Delta must have colluded to change our connection time, for a secret trip we are taking that must connect at the Los Angeles International Airport, from 3 hours to 45 minutes. Do you know how hard it is to change planes located at different terminals at LAX? I didn’t, because I’ve never had a connecting flight there, but in order to switch terminals, you must exit security and the entire terminal building, take a bus or walk outside to the other terminal, and then go through security all over again. Websites recommend three hours to have plenty of time for this daunting task, especially if you are traveling with large suitcases, kids, are older or eat too much. We had 45 minutes. We are young, generally in good shape, no kids and we pack lighter than most…but 45 minutes? I dropped a few F bombs and started to break out in a cold sweat and hives as I scoured my itinerary and the websites regarding LAX’s terminals. I figured it was all going to be filmed for The Amazing Race or some hidden camera show. Could I change planes in 45 minutes without killing anyone or being tazed by the police? Impossible.
Lucky for me, my wife put me on oxygen, before I passed out and I called Delta to switch my connection times. They were very nice, fixed the problem (actually before I even said it, they knew the problem quickly fixed it) and we now have a little over two hours (still one hour short of the recommended time) to change planes. I’ve decided I’m still going to time it and possibly react as if we only had 45 minutes, just to see if we can do it. I’ll tell my wife it’s a test run to see if we could be on The Amazing Race. I know she will go for it. But, for the terminal design, I give LAX a Spork Rating of:
Come on a chimp could have designed a better airport. They still get One Spork, because planes can successfully land and take off from there. As for Delta handling the situation (but still remembering that they put me there in the first place) I give them a Spork Rating of:
1 comment:
i think you guys should stay in LA for an entire day to ease your worries. i'll drive you between terminals the next day to make your life easier.
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